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Archive for January, 2015

Wow.

I’m all for creative titles.  Sometimes I make up random titles while I’m washing the dishes, just for fun.  But I just didn’t have one today.  I’m more or less speechless…

This title is actually quoting myself… or quoting a puppet in a puppet play I wrote.  In context, one puppet says, “Wow.”  And the other answers “Yup, that’s what we say about miracles.  Wow.”  Hardly scintillating dialogue, but whether it’s the brain fog from constant lack of sleep, or several hundred brain cells lost in pregnancy, this is about as witty as I can be right now.  Not because I’m really that mindless, but because I think my mind’s been blown away by God’s miracles.

I really cannot believe that our baby, the one I wasn’t sure would be born, is going to be a year tomorrow.  This is the only baby my husband has seen born- because I wanted to be sure he saw her at least once if we lost her.  (Yes, I just went to make sure she was breathing…)  It is amazing to me – what God hath wrought.

I am not praising God for being faithful, which I think is normally the first thing on the tips of our tongues, maybe because we are not.  God was and is and will be faithful even when we don’t get to celebrate a first year birthday.  And I’m not praising God for being the tooth fairy (slight mix-up there: Sofia told me with six-year-old wisdom that fairies aren’t real, and the tooth fairy is really God…) and granting my wish. I am not even praising God for His grace, though it abounds and overflows, and brings me to incredulity.  I am praising God for His imagination, and for His will, and for His laughing with us.

Does that sound odd?  Well, I could certainly never have written the story He has in our lives over the last few years.  I stopped believing impossible things before breakfast several years ago, and my mind doesn’t run to the wonders and joys that God sees and wills for us.  I can only suppose that  God is laughing with us in the joy and love of having this extra little smiling, laughing person who came whether we willed or no.

This is a child who should have been named Isaachina- because she laughs so much and because she makes us laugh.  Or Abigail, daughter of joy.  Some sources say that Mariana (Maria, bitter, and Anna, grace), means “grace refused”.  But this grace came burbling and chuckling over the rocks and rills, sweeping everything before it, impossible to deny.

Mariana has brought so much joy to our lives; God has used her to renew our spirits in so many ways.  Not to fill the places left empty by our children in heaven- those places remain empty, and there is a part of my mind that stays behind closed doors.  But the joy of Mariana has leached out the bitterness of loss, leaving only the unavoidable sorrow of separation.  It has become possible not only to trust God, and have faith in Him, but to rejoice in God, and to wonder at His gifts.  Gifts we didn’t have the imagination to wish for.

It is true that I have seen God’s faithfulness and love most clearly in tragedy; but it is also true that sometimes He gives us grace to see Him in joy as well.

“O the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! how unsearchable are his judgments, and his ways past finding out!”

In other words. Wow.

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