I think one of the biggest obstacles I face in trying to be a good mother is the whole concept of control. And I think I’ve talked about this before- I had to relinquish some control at the very beginning, when Sofya didn’t fall in line with certain long-held opinions of mine; but that was far from the end of the story. I have certain standards for myself, and in order to achieve them I need Sofya to fall in line. Unfortunately, she’s a person and an individual and our goals don’t always correspond. It’s very difficult for a perfectionist and an activist not to be able to control a project. Well, no, a child isn’t a project… I knew that. It’s a habit of thought- this is what we have, and this is what we want and here’s how to get there. Then I scare myself and do an about face and contemplate dropping all the reins. And that wouldn’t be right either- a toddler doesn’t raise herself. And the really frightening thing is that no matter the level of control I manage, the end results are beyond me. So we go back to problem solving- what exactly am I trying to achieve, anyway? I want my daughter to be kind, to be gentle, to be polite; to be healthy, to be educated, to be clean and neat; to have a living, breathing relationship with God; to be happy and to have a certain amount of life wisdom. And I want people not to look down on me as a mother, and to admit I did my best. So maybe the second point isn’t worthy, but it’s actual- and I’ll bet I share it with every other parent.
Well, I can’t make her kind- that’s from the heart. And I can’t make her gentle, even if I can make her follow certain rules of polite conduct. I certainly can’t make her healthy, despite my best efforts, and to my continuing frustration. I can put her through the school program- but to be educated is a state of mind, not a list of information. She’s still small enough that I can wash her hair even when she cries, and insist that she pick up her toys, though what that may lead to in the future, I’ve no idea. I cannot make her have a relationship with God; I cannot give her my relationship with God; I cannot insist that she believe, as my mother-in-law’s father did, turning his son away from Christianity forever. I cannot tell her to be happy, or make her think.
And every time I turn around, God is bringing me back to one place. There is nothing I can insist on; there is one thing I can do. I can only pray. Yes, I know, “only” pray isn’t a very spiritual way to put it. But it is very difficult, as a human, as woman, as a mother, for heaven’s sake, even as an American, to admit that I can’t achieve something with the Puritan work ethic. And yet this is what God brings me to, over and over again. No, you cannot and you are not going to fix this; you’re going to pray, and trust Me- or you’re going to fuss and whine and sulk, but it won’t make any difference.
So here I am again. And I can admit that I’m a human, and pray; or I can pretend that I’m god, and run circles around myself like a hamster. And the sad thing is that it’s actually a hard decision…